Thursday, June 27, 2019


These sword 'n sandals spectaculars tend to get me even more bored than a hillbilly at a dental hygiene seminar, but I gotta say that this particular pelicula was a real wowzer. True, there area few snoozeroo parts here and there, but right when you're ready to get up to do a number one the action builds up into an exciting fight complete with all of the clanking of sword onto shield that your li'l ol' heart can stand. And I do hope you have a suitable enough stain remover for your comfy chair.

Amerigan ex-pat Richard Harrison stars as Lucius Crassius, a luckier'n you'll ever be warrior who just happens to be the long-gone twin brother of the new Roman emperor, a sadistic sicko by the name of Commodus (played by Mimmo Palmara...what kinda human'd name her kid "Mimmo" anyhow?), a former gladiator himself who happens to be even crueler'n the likes of Caligula and he sure lets you know it in the first scene when he shows no mercy to an easily defeated punko who not-so-surprisingly enough predicts Commodus' own fate. Maybe I shoulda put a "Spoiler Alert" somewhere above, but frankly I know that NONE of ya are gonna wanna watch this kinda film anyway so why bother?

Lest you think that this is, by my mere mention of Caligula, is gonna be a moom pitcher anywhere nears the likes of the Bob Guccione-helmed effort of a few decades back don't worry. No tied up foreskins or golden showers are to be seen, but you do get a hefty amount of All-Amerigan fun time violence that you used to get on Saturday afternoon tee-vee until the moral superiors around us decided to make even that as boring as their own tired existences! 

Thankfully this pitcher plays it pretty straight without the usual dullsville sidesteps---even the brief romantic angle gets squashed by a confrontation so's you li'l boys don't hafta get sick like you would with similar efforts. So if you're an action-packed kid who is hotcha for thrills galore and doesn't want that much to get inna way of alla those gruesome jabs and moans well...if this were on tee-vee some rainy afternoon and your cyster was watching Shirley Temple on the other station you have every RIGHT  to bash her skull in so's you could watch something that you'd really like 'stead of all that prissy mewl that everyone wants to force down your throat!

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