Wednesday, August 24, 2011


After alla them artzy/snoozy furrin films that Brad Kohler's been sending me, I thought for once that (in order to regain sanity) I'd better take to viewing something more up my quite expansive alley! And for that I figured why not try some of them films that Lou Rone send my way last Christmas roundup! These particular outings came from a collection called BIG SCREEN BOMBSHELLS, a collection which from what I can tell consists of nothing but flicks that were released via the kindness and goodness of those fine film conny-sewers Crown International Pictures. And just one look at this collection of drive in wares will probably make you recall your own wasted youth of drive-in debauchery (y'know, makin' out when you coulda been watchin' a good moom pitcher!); for me it sure brings back memories of mid-seventies pouring through the old CLEVELAND PLAIN DEALER FRIDAY MAGAZINE supplement where lurid ads for such wonders would frequently appear to tantalize the durty boy in alla us. And let me tell you, those ads were some of the most degrading, disturbing things to show up in that paper's weekend arts and leisure read, at least until the appearance of Anastasia Pantsios that is.

POLICEWOMEN's a realy mid-seventies period piece, and while I was watching this 'un I could just imagine myself sitting in a reconditioned '63 Valiant on my lonesome while all of the other vehicles were sprouting female legs flying way up inna air. This 'un stars zilcher Sandra Currie as a liberated kinda police gal who wants to hit the big time and help the Male Chauvinist Pig-dominated force capture a gang of curvaceous gold smugglers led by a craggy old lady and her muscle-building showhubby. Nice turns here and there and better yet a good 1974 sense of cheese abounds, but if this 'un's hardly "a gritty police action flick" as the Dee-Vee-Dee cover come on says. In fact, I've had grittier bowel movements, which only proves to you that too much bran can wreak havoc with your hershey highway.

But still it's got it all from the flaunting gals of the gang to a racially-charged kung fu catfight and those tender bedroom scenes which always made the school gals woo and pine tellin' us all how beautiful they were when all I wanted to do was hit the snack counter. Y 'know, hand on bare back and moaning roll over stuff accompanied by cheezy string glop that always was a good way to kill a few minutes. But then it was back to the action and the martial arts and a plot that pretty much was lifted and changed from some late-forties b-movie western with some occasional titzenazz tossed in to liven up the party. Really, this would be the perfect movie for all of ya spiritual adolescent jagoffs whose biggest thrills came in a hula-girl laden issue of NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC with no saggies even!

For those looking for even more pulchritude on their personal player CHAIN GANG WOMEN might be the ticket. Yet another one of those Deep South Justice kinda thrillers which seemed to reach their climax with the appearance of the ever-popular MACON COUNTY LINECHAIN GANG WOMEN features the saga of a Georgian youth  who's serving time for a li'l wheelin'/dealin' matters ifyaknowaddamean who gets "volunteered" to the local chain gang where he's shackled up with a psycho murderer. When the entire gang makes a run for it the pair head for the kids' gal's place where the killer gets to peek in on the action goin' on between the two lovebirds and figures that Miss Palm and her Five Sisters just ain't enough anymore. From there on in its a tale of escape, rape and even some more action when the pair happen across a lonesome farm where some old geezer's gettin' more action than any of you could stand from his teenage bride who's lookin' for something a li'l younger to sate her primal mores. Naturally it's been done better before and even cheaper, but the low budget feeling and general everyday style of CHAIN GANG WOMEN  makes this 'un a film one can relate to. In fact, I could see a typically butchered copy of this ending up on some 1978-vintage lateshow, the kind where they always cut the boob 'n butt scenes out but forget to censor the coarse language. Sometimes they even forgot to edit the b-n-b which always was cause for joy amongst those of us who were more or less starved for some real titty action and watchin' 'em unload the casabas at Kroger's just wasn't fillin' the bill!

A couple of nice 'uns here (actually, more'n just a "couple"...hee!) that have that nice early-mid-seventies feeling that could only make somebody like me want to absorb the better portions of that era (Stooges, CREEM, indie tee-vee...) and toss alla the pukka shell curtains, "relevant" youth mutterings and mood rings into the dumpster of eternal feh where they belong! And yeah, those days are long gone and for those of you who lived through 'em they musta been a drag, but in retrospect this point in history was the last one where total smarm could will out long before the chintzy cheerfulness of the eighties ruined gulcher for good! If your taste for the seventies runs more towards gettin' your film cues from CREEM 'stead of TIME I have the feeling that you, like might actually enjoy this double bill!

No comments: