Saturday, September 28, 2019


Ever since I was but a mere turdler I've been told that breakfast was the MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY, a claim which always puzzled me because when I was young that early morning feastie might have consisted of lumpy Maypo, a piece of dry toast and a glass of orange juice which made my mouth feel all sour because I had already brushed my teeth for school! But most of the time I would get a bowl of my favorite cold and pre-sweetened cereal to gulp down and if it weren't for the likes of CAP'N CRUNCH or CORN POPS I woulda been headin' out to the school with grumbles emitted outta my stomach akin to that classic old Hal Roach/LITTLE RASCALS sound effect which let off a loud guttural moooooooowah whenever surprise or an overheated over would be jumping around.

Cereals were great not only because your favorite comic characters endorsed 'em but they used to come with FREE TOY SURPRISES in 'em. I remember when my parents along with cyster tried to explain to me that these toys were not free (something about how General Mills, Ralston-Purina, Kelloggs and Post tacked a higher price to their product in order to push their wares) but I couldn't comprehend any of that in my then-eight-year-old mind because if it says "free" on the package it just HADDA be free! After all, it is a sin to lie. And even my current eight-year-old mind has a problem deciphering how a package coulda said "free surprise" if it wasn't so....sheesh, things like this could just ruin a kid's faith in older people because for YEARS I believed that the manufacturers of not only cereals but toys, books, games etc. were doing so outta the kindness of their hearts and the fun aspect of it all and that picking up some scratch in the process was but a mere triviality! Boy, it just goes to show you just how altruistic woefully stoopid  I was back during them single-digit days!

O'er the years my tastes in breakfast cereal have ebbed and flowed. I remember back inna eighties when the whole high fiber craze got into full swing and I was eating loads of those twig-like things (maybe FIBER ONE???) as well as another which had chewy bits of dried dates in it and my intestines would get clogged with this bran and I felt like I was defecating pine cones because it was so sharp and painful! The things I will do to prevent the onslaught of some serious medical least the oat bran craze of the early-nineties was less discomforting if not more tasty. It wasn't until recently that I decided to re-live one of the happier portions of my youth and get back into some of the old time goodies that I had been ignoring like FRUIT LOOPS and CORN POPS, in their generic store brand varieties natch, not to mention some of the newer big name brands that I might be able to get cheaper if on sale or available in a "Family Size" gigundo box with the expected price cut you get buying in bulk.

Here are but a few of the early morning (and any time of the day actually) cereals I've been gulping down when the spirit (and the hungries) hit:

PILLSBURY CINNAMON ROLL FILLOWS (General Mills)-A new concept in breakfast cereals, a pillow coated with cinnamon sugar goodness stuffed with "creme" sorta like a pierogy only much smaller and no mashed potatoes in sight. And don't kid yourself, that "creme" ain't like the goodness you will find in in a Twinkie or Cupcake but the same "stuf" that's used to glue Oreos together making for a really over-the-top sweet treat that'll really get you in gear for a day at the dildo factory. The crunch might be too hard on your teeth if you have a lotta bridgework or they've been traumatized by too many immediate bites into Tootsie Pops, but just let the stuff soak for awhile and you'll get the hang of it even if you do have a pair of storeboughts. If these tidbits were filled up with a light whippy cream styled filling FILLOWS would get an obvious A+ as far as cereal tasties go, but otherwise I'll give it a mere "OK" not only for early morning munching but afternoon/evening tee-vee snackisms. (There's also a HERSHEY'S CHOCOLATE FILLOWS out there which I believe I will pass on since I never was a fan of the whole chocolate cereal trend from COCOA PUFFS and CHOCOLATE PEBBLES on down...too overbearing for my tiny tastebuds in the wee hours of the morning or something like that...)

In what has to be one of the grandest debuts of the year, Post has uplifted the tired old cookies translated into breakfast cereal trope with this absolutely delicious newie. If you like I have loved NILLA wafers ever since your turdler days and delight in the way they were used with sliced bananas and pudding to make an absolutely delicious dessert ya just hadda eat up then and there because this stuff just did not last long you'll like what Post has done with this legendary dessert. Imagine mini cookies that taste like bananas mixed with loads of tiny marshmallows and the kind that are kinda soft so's you don't get that chalky feeling like you do with FRANKENBERRY. Brother you've got yet another breakfast treat that you'll be eating just about every hour of the day like I have with CAP'N CRUNCH lo my born days! Or at least since that day when I had my first taste of it a short while before the Beatles made their live Amerigan tee-vee debut on Sullygum that fateful evening. And all these years later I'd call the debut of the Cap'n a greater impression on my well being than those four mop tops I'll tell ya!

I never did get to taste the short-lived BANANA WACKIES but I get the idea that NILLA might come close if not surpassing what that LUCKY CHARMS knockoff came off like. A cereal that makes it all the while to hit the local grocer right before they close at ten just so's you'll have milk if not more of this delicious cereal for tomorrow morn.

When I was a kid Special K was that grown up cereal that came off like little Rice Crispies that were flattened out a bit. In fact, during one of my greater cravings for confections times during my teenbo years I actually made some makeshift Rice Crispies Treats using Special K. But nowadays Special K comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes with varying taste sensation flavors, at least one of which should be reviewed as this post progresses.

With BLUEBERRY WITH LEMON CLUSTERS you get this sweet and crispy flake that's a bit thick so it's got a crunch that stands up to milk, surrounded by these little things that look like yogurt bits and clusters of oats and other crunchy things. Put 'em all together and you get a nice fresh fruity taste that kinda reminds me of Pop Tarts. And the stuff does work wonders on your intestinal system scraping out all the bad stuff on the road to rooty-toot-toot! Buy some for the family---your mother will thank you, your father will thank you and your colon will thank you in the best way it knows how.

Speaking of Pop Tarts, I had big hopes regarding this variation on an old breakfast treat (I can remember my first taste of these as a yoof and just how much I thought they tasted better raw than they did toasted!), but this cereal just doesn't make it as far as eye opening morning jamz go. Not enough gooey filler, the "frosting" leaves way too much to be desired considering all it is is finely granulated sugar, and the actual taste of the thing is indiscernible from a thousand other morning crunchers we've had throughout the ages. While many other non-cereals have made the transition to the breakfast table somewhat smoothly a lot is left to be desired with POP TARTS CEREAL, a project which should have been worked out a li'l longer before it had the audacity to make its way to my gullet.

Not as flashy as the blueberry one nor does it have any of those other surprise goodies like chewy dried fruit and mini yogurt candy bars to give it that added oomph, at least this sure beats the stuffing outta Cheerios plunked into orange juice. The sweet and crispy flakes are still there along with some sliced almonds and a vanilla flavor, and they do make for a good snack if ya wanna eat 'em plain while watching tee-vee inna afternoon. Not bat at all although I thought there would be some sorta surprise ingredient like clusters of somethingorother stuck together to give it that special "squeak" when you bite down hard.

And now for the BONAFEED WINNER of the batch, this vanilla-flavored cereal that'll really put a tingle on your tongue and gladness in your gullet! Never has an "O"-shaped breakfast cereal come off like this and you'll be awaiting those early morning moments (or general snack time) when you get a box of this into your hallowed kitchen that's fer sure!

Not just any runna-da-mill cereal, GOLDEN OREO O'S are based on the delicious Oreo cookie of the same name with all of the sweetness and imitation vanilla (better'n real!) taste that reminds me of those old "B B Bats" suckers from Argentina that used to show up at penny candy counters worldwide. Really rich and explodes in your mouth good, not only will the sugar content wow you but the flavor'll get you up 'n goin' for a hard and long day at work or goofing off, and next to what sometimes passes for confections these days you just might be eatin' this up whether in front of the kitchen table or television for that matter. Sneak a bowl in the tee-vee room just like you did as a kid in your stocking feet and now that you're old enough no one will scold you for spilling milk all over the place! I sure wish they had this stuff (complete with the obligatory free prize) when I was but a budding suburban slob trying to cope with the treacheries of real life (school, other kids, my elders...).

This is Aldi's cheap imitation of CINNAMON TOAST CRUNCH which always ends up in the kitchen cabinet because pays to be cheap! And in this case it's a good deal being cheap because I can't tell the difference between this and the real deal cereal that begat this knockoff. Tastes like little cinnamon toasts covered in sugar (tho not enough...could be sweeter) but still good enough to give you that "aaaaah" feeling as the chewed up bits slide down your gullet. For some reason I seem to detect a bit of a grease to the little bits of cereal but that only helps it all slide down a bit smoother'n usual. Next time you're at Aldi's you might wanna pick up a few boxes along with your usual staples of Clancy brand snacks and of course some limited edition delicacy they just might have on special. Remember to bring a quarter for the shopping cart and while you're at it get some old boxes from home to stash your groceries in because they don't bag your purchases and besides you have to pay if you want a bag which is one way they try to keep the costs down...or something like that I think.
There're lots more breakfast goodies out there that I didn't get to, from those various SPECIAL K's hinted at above to stuff like puffed wheat that I never did like since my cyster used to call 'em "bees" and that scared me, so maybe a post like this will be the first of an on-going series where I lay down the real deal as far as what you're in store for next time you get out of your bed and fill your bowl with whatever goodies you can scrape up inna cabinet. Yes, breakfast is the most important meal of the day and not only that but it's a meal you can save a lotta money on. Not only by wisely purchasing store brands that are good enough knockoffs but if you wife is lactating you can have her squirt some of her milk onto your flakes and save loads of money on your dairy bills. And really, it will be "THE BREAST TO YOU EACH MORNING!"


Bill S. said...

Boy, was that Pop Tarts Cereal a letdown.
No attempt at a "filling," no sweet coating on
the top side, just powdery non-flavor.
There's more flavor in a plain Shredded Wheat biscuit!

will keep an eye out for it.

MoeLarryAndJesus said...

Fucking cereal reviews? When did this blog turn into Beer Frame? Breakfast sucks.